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Dating – Prep for Failure The American dating system does not biblically prepare young men and women for long term relationships and marriage. It trains them to form a series of relationships, and further trains them to harden themselves to the break-up of all but the current one. This system is a preparation for divorce Whenever the other person starts to wear a little thin, you just slip out of the relationship, thus creating the habit of divorce. |
Consider how this system works. A young man notices a young girl who attracts him. He asks her out on a date, and she agrees. If neither one likes the other, then they both have had a bad experience.
If they initially “hit it off” and continue the relationship, the temptation to engage in sex is strong. The carnal side of life is encouraged.
And of course, if during the dating period one of the “sweethearts” is interested in staying together but the other has a change of heart and wants out of the relationship, the possibilities for emotional snarls and complications are almost endless.
A Modern Way of Thinking
Dating was invented within the last 200 years. Prior to that time, marriage always involved much more input from the parents, and “trial relationships” leading up to marriage (what we now call “dating”) were not conducted at all.
Dating arose out of the eighteenth century philosophical movement we now call “Romanticism” which emphasized, among other things, passion rather than logic. Writers such as Rousseau lamented that Western civilization had fallen into the “error” of exalting reason over feelings. He proposed making decisions based on emotions rather than intellect.
This philosophy had far-reaching implications, impacting the arts, literature, government, and many other areas of society. Of interest to our discussion, though, is its effects on relationships between men and women.
While love between husbands and wives has always been assumed, it was generally not perceived as a pre-requisite for entering marriage. Rather, it was understood that married partners would grow to love one another. Other factors in weighing marriage decisions were generally considered to be more significant.
In modern America, recreational dating is taken to be a positive good, like food, air, and sunshine, a necessary, inescapable activity. It is considered to be a normal and natural part of growing up – what could be more wholesomely American than taking a girl to the prom? But the fact is that dating was entirely unknown at the time the Scriptures were given to us. This means that for those who take the Bible seriously should consider what the Bible has to say on the formation of families.
There are many forms of dating, perhaps as many as there are people. Everyone has a different view of what is right and wrong. But there is a glaring fault in many of our models, a double-standard. Once we are married, we recognize that certain things are sacred to our partner. Things such as co-habitation, kissing, intimate hugging, sex and bringing up children. We recognize that not only our physical body, but our emotions, even our spirit are dedicated to that one partner, for the rest of our life (according to our vows).
The dichotomy is this: in dating, we presume to partake of many of these privileges of marriage for an admittedly short while. We would be shocked if a married man had an emotional attachment to another woman which he redirected to another after a short while.
Yet it’s quite acceptable for singles to have a different emotional attachment every week. On the one hand, we save sex for our partners (and some even do that sparingly), but on the other, we engage in rampant emotional promiscuity, giving pieces of our hearts away until one wonders what will be left for that special, life-long partner.
Where is Daddy?
The modern dating system leaves the father of the young girl out of the loop. And Daddy should worry, because the modern dating system expects a certain amount of physical involvement. Fully 20% of all American teen girls have have experienced some form of dating violence –controlling, abusive, and/or aggressive behavior in a romantic relationship.
The father, who should be protecting his daughter’s safety and purity, instead sends her off into the dark with a teenaged boy whose veins are chock full of testosterone. True, the modern Christian version of this system supposedly allows only enough foreplay without “going all the way”, however, we have to wonder about the wisdom of allowing our youth to go into harm’s way and expect them to control strong physical urges that are often overwhelming.
Statistics show that only half of teen-agers remain virginal until age 17. By the age of 20, 76 percent of women, and 80 percent of men have had sex. Only 6.9 percent of men and 21 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 59 wait until their wedding night for the experience. The statistics of premarital sex of “Christians” are the same as those of the secular world.
Additionally, society continues to redefine what sex is. Many American teens have compromised the absolutes of abstinence to include heavy petting and alternative sexual practices while insisting they are maintaining virginity.
Fathers who actively prohibit dating force their children to miss certain things…among the missed activities are: hurt, betrayal, anxiety, self-deception, fear, suspicion, anger, heartbreak, confusion, and the horror of having been used. And those are only emotional aspects; there is also disease, pregnancy, and abortion.
Daddy, What’s A Virgin?
Virginity was an inheritance to be brought into a marriage, and the father of the bride was responsible to preserve that inheritance. If a new husband slandered his bride and claimed that she was not a virgin, the bride’s father and mother would defend her name and the name of their family. They would present the evidence of her virginity to the elders of the city (Deuteronomy 22:15).
If the charge was true, and the woman was not a virgin, then the bride was to be executed in front of her father’s house. “But if the thing is true, and evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones, because she has done a disgraceful thing in Israel, to play the harlot in her father’s house. So you shall put away the evil from among you” (Deuteronomy. 22:20-21). Why the doorway to her father’s house, rather than her husband’s house? Because she had rebelled against her father’s authority, and dishonored him.
Physical virginity is only part of the equation. Marriage and betrothal is based on vows and commitments which are as essential to the union as is the physical act. Young persons pledge loyalty and fidelity to another in a dating situation and begin to spiritually bond even though they have only a temporary commitment.
If they are strong enough to avoid sexual contact (which statistics show to the contrary), there is strong spiritual and emotional connection. This connection is the source of the heartbreak and pain at break-up.
According to a study done by the Center for Data Analysis in June 2003, 25% of sexually active teens claim to be depressed all or most of the time. Additionally, fully 14% of sexually active teen girls have attempted suicide. The study overwhelmingly shows that teens that are sexually inactive are happier than those who engage in dating and sex. The emotional devastation of dating and teen sex is vast. Virginity is a state of mind as well as a physical fact.
Some of the Problems with Dating…
- Dating promotes lust and sexual activity, opening the door for fornication.
- Dating develops a self-centered, feeling-oriented concept of love.
- Dating creates intimate soul ties between two people who will not spend their lives together.
- Dating teaches people to break off difficult relationships, conditioning them more for divorce than marriage.
- Dating develops an appetite for variety and change, creating dissatisfaction within marriage.
- Dating lacks the protections and guidance afforded by parental involvement of courtship.
- Dating prepares children to escape “life’s realities”
- Dating devalues sex and marriage.
- Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
- Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
- Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
- Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
- Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
- Dating exposes teens to violence and coercion.
- Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.
